GREEN PIRATE

I have received this anonymous response to a report that the Obama administration (aka the government branch of RIAA, MPAA, etc) is moving toward implementing an ID system that citizens must use to access the internet. I’ve been asked to publish it below, so here it is:

As the evil internet dissident that has struck so much terror into your hearts that you are desperately grasping for a security blanket with which your can pull over your head an pretend that I am not lurking just beyond that thin veil, I just want to say, YES! DO IT!!! The more you stupid assholes rely on security measures like this, the better it is for me and my underground minions to rape you in every digital sense imaginable.

First of all, fuck you Mexicans! No internet for you. We don’t take kindly to people tryin’a come into our country and use our internets. THEY TOOK OUR JOBS!

Congrats to all the crackers (the ones snatching photos of your tits out of the sent folder of your e-mail right now). Now your combos will be actual identities and you only need one pass to rule them all!
This will make identity theft so much easier. Think of how much more time can be spent buying hookers and cocaine with other people’s money. It’s like every day will be Christmas on the internet!

Finally, “I couldn’t have possibly done it, your honor, the logs clearly show that I was watching Sponge Bob on youtube in an entirely different state at the time your daughter got pregnant.”

That is barely scratching the surface of potential uses for such irresponsible reliance on these types of security measures. This is just the reason we vote using the names of your dead relatives to elect officials that will implement such things. It really makes things easier. Perhaps we will soon be voting in your name as well.

I hope such an ID makes you feel so secure. I hope there is no doubt in your mind that you are safe thanks to the internet ID. I am the evil what lurks in the dark shadows of your internet and I can’t wait to touch myself to naked pics of your children. Please implement these ID’s as soon as possible. I really want those pics of your little boys and girls. Thank you.

Sincerely and with gratitude,
– Netvictor Von Terrornits, Ph. D.

Wow. I don’t know what is more disturbing, that people like this exist or that most of what he says actually makes sense.